The Rabbit Hole Paintings

I’ve written about my experience with rabbit holes before, and lately, I’ve been fairly adept at avoiding them. Well, that all ended last week when a rabbit hole of biblical proportions sucked me in and nearly did me in as well.

I can never predict when rabbit hole will get it’s grips on me, but I am starting to see a pattern that I may be able to mine for some clues. 

Criticism

Making a mistake

Not performing up to my expectations

Losing

Well, now that I have written the list, it seems fairly obvious that I do indeed know my rabbit hole triggers. Obviously, knowing them has not helped me avoid them up to this point. 

I’m not going to go into the details of what triggered this rabbit hole event, but I will say it involved all of the above list. At one time. Yes, it is clear to me to, now, that a rabbit hole was imminent.

In my book, Perpetual Conflict, I wrote quite a bit about my “process” of dealing with extreme emotions and began to understand it was not a healthy process. Diving into a rabbit hole is usually the first stop in that process, and this time was no different.

In the past, I had been able to avoid or minimize the rabbit hole, but this time was different. And it was one of the nastiness rabbit holes I have ever been in.

I said some of the most scathing, mean, and contemptuous things to myself, both aloud and in thought, than I ever have in the past. It was horrible, and the sad, sad part, is that I, while in the middle of it, thought I deserved it. 

Yes, you read that right. I know that’s messed up. 

I know how crazy it is, but at the time, the rabbits take control of me, and I feel as if I cannot fight them. It lasts for hours, maybe days, of constant berating of myself. Once the rabbits start to loosen their grip, I begin the long climb out of the hole. And, once I am out, I actually do have a different opinion of myself and the situation that put me in the hole. That’s why I call it “my process;” because it seems to have a minute positive effect. I know, I’m stretching here.

Nonetheless, it is who I am at the moment and will always strive to erradicate this horrendousness from my life, but until I do, it is my reality. So, I will make the best of it. I will paint.

I planned to create a few more smaller pieces for my upcoming show in Muskegon, Michigan, this weekend. After emerging and recovering from the rabbit hole earlier in the week, I set out to paint two 12×12 canvases. After I was done, I had those two and one more 10×20 canvas. Painting those three helped me process all the emotions I felt while deep in the hole of darkness. 

Contemptuous Chaos

More Contemptuous Chaos

I started with Contemptuous Chaos and More Contemptuous Chaos as they sat next to each other on the easel. These two canvases bore the brunt of my rage, and the underlying layers reflect the anger, sorrow, and frustration of my experience.

While waiting for the layers to dry, I decided to paint the 10×20 canvas. I knew both of the 12x12s were going to reflect mostly the anger, and I felt the need to paint one that also reflected the liberation I felt once I emerged. Darkness Retreats evokes a bit of anger in the underlying layers, and the strokes of red, the gold circles, and the wavy marks celebrate my victorious exit.

Darkness Retreats

I did not want to cheat the two 12×12 canvases out of some of the joy I was feeling while painting the 10×20, so I added bright pops of color, expressive marks, and paint splatters.

I am not sure how I coped with the rabbit hole adventures before I started painting and writing, and I am so happy I now have these two creative outlets in my life. 

Before I go, I feel I owe bunny rabbits everywhere an apology for depicting their living space as a dark and nasty place. I’m sure they build lovely, warm homes for their families that bring them much joy. And let’s be clear: no actual rabbit would invite a human into their sanctuary! I love you, bunny rabbits, and I’ll come up with a better name for the “rabbit hole” the next time I find myself deep inside a dark hole in the ground.