A Question of Trust

There are some things I just don’t consider an issue to dissect, and trust is one of them. Do I choose to trust my decisions, thoughts, and actions? Or do I unconsciously move in directions without thinking, knowing the trust in myself is present? Is either course of action better than the other? Or, as with most things in life, is there a middle ground?

For me and my often-times binary thinking when it comes to all matters of self, I initially feel I need to choose one of the binary choices listed above. But, the grey middle areas are where it gets interesting.

When a serious lack of faith stares me down, I typically jump to one extreme or another.

“Geez, this painting is not going where I imagined it would go.”
I told you not to paint—you’re not an artist!

“Wow, I am really loving this painting!”
Yes, I am an amazing painter!

Do I lack trust in the first scenario and have too much trust in the latter?

It’s complicated.

I don’t think about trusting myself because, in my opinion, trust is like a program that runs in the background in my mind, much like an operating system on my computer. Without it, nothing is possible, but it’s always there, working, so you don’t give it much thought until it stops working.

I started my biggest canvas to date on a snowy, cold Sunday afternoon. I was eager to paint “big” and had great hopes for the outcome. Midway through the painting, I was lost. Nothing was working, and everything looked horrible. I’ve learned from experience to push past this stage, and that is what I did. I kept going.

Then, in a mini fit of frustration, I took all the paint left on my palette and knifed it onto the canvas, one color after another. And suddenly, I had something. I wasn’t sure what that something was or where it would go, but I knew it was something.

Rich walks up behind me and my “could be something” painting and says, “That’s it, you’re done with it.” I snap my head around and look at him like he has seven heads and say, “No, no, it’s not finished!” He disagrees, and then it happens.

What if he is right, I ask myself?

Trust has been depleted, and I dread where this loss will take me.

In an instant, I looked back on ALL my paintings, asking myself if I went too far and overworked each and every one of them. What if he was right?

Oh, no, holy cow, the world is spinning. Let me out of here!!

Luckily, I quickly rebounded and side-stepped the hole that seemed to be waiting just for me. We chatted more about the painting, and then he suggested, “Put it up on Facebook and see what others think.”

I loved the idea, and that is what I did.

The comments were varied, but many thought it was unfinished, unbalanced, or un-something.

Did I feel vindicated that I was right and he was wrong? No, not at all. What I did feel was the return of a familiar feeling I never took the time to put a name on.

When I paint, cook, design books, or do any other creative endeavor, I trust myself. I never really understood that before. Without a level of self-trust, I could not create. Duh!

Is my trust unflappable? Well, no, obviously, but questioning its existence from time to time is not necessarily a bad thing, either.

The next time I ask myself, “Is it done?” when painting, I will trust my answer. Trust is gained from experience, and I surely have that. Acknowledging and honoring my self-trust is what was missing. I just needed to update my operating system.

After returning to the painting and working until it was “done” in my eyes, I felt pride of accomplishment and gratitude for my perseverance. Blast of Trust is vibrant, chaotic, and oh, so me!